Despair
by Blip-chan
Summary: Prequel to my fic "Forgiveness". AU, Yami/Yugi, Seto/Joey. Yugi wakes up to find his lover had abandoned him, and spirals into depression. T for suicide attempt, cutting and abandonment


A/N: I've been asked to write more about my story "Forgiveness". Please read that! And leave glorious reviews. They make me write. Just ask moriah93ohio. She asked for this and she got it! This one's in Yugi's POV for the first part and then it goes into 3rd person.Despair

Sunlight filtered through my eyelids. I was sleepy, but I grudgingly rolled over, expecting Yami to be there beside me. When I rolled into empty space my eyes opened. He wasn't there. The only thing I saw was a note, laid precisely in the middle of the pillow beside me. I pulled the letter open; surprised that Yami would have gone out before I got up.

_Yugi, I'm sorry if I break your heart today, but its better this way. I can't ever see you again. I wouldn't be shocked if you can never forgive me. But I don't deserve your forgiveness. I hope my one selfish act won't taint the four wonderful years we spent together. Farewell._

The words, written in his gentle, curving letters, seemed like some sort of horrid prank. _He couldn't mean this_, I thought, my groggy mind searching for some other truth besides the words written on the slip of paper in my hand. Any truth. Anything at all. He wouldn't have left me. He just wouldn't have.

I slid out of bed, still in my boxers. It was Sunday morning and I had spent the night at Yami's. We had been dating for almost four years and it felt perfectly natural for me to spend the night at his apartment. No one, not even jii-chan, had questioned it, though I had been on the receiving end of a rather tongue-in-cheek lecture from him about the benefits of protection. I loved him, and he loved me back. Or so I thought. I glanced over to the calendar on the wall and my heart stopped. The little red Xs stopped before my favorite day of the year. Better than Christmas, better than Halloween, better than even my birthday. Today was our 4th anniversary. But he was gone. On today of all days. Then I knew the truth of his note. He wouldn't pull this kind of stunt on a day he knew was so important to me. He really was gone. There was no other truth. The note _was_ the truth.

I felt the first sob bubble up like acid through my chest. My breath caught, hitching in my throat. The noises I made must have sounded so pathetic, but all I could think about was my Yami's perfect face. The way he looked when he held me last night. How perfect his eyes looked in the faint moonlight, their red diluted in silver. He had been smiling ever so slightly as he traced my jaw with one long finger. He had been smiling. Had he known he was going to break me like this then? How long had he known? How many lies had he whispered in my ear? Had these past 4 years, the most wonderful years in my life, all been a lie? Tears fell in bunches down my face, painful and hot. I would never see him again. That much I was sure of.

It had been almost a month since he had left. One brutal, never-ending month of pain and loneliness. I had holed myself up in Yami's old apartment, keeping almost entirely to myself. My friends were worried about me, but I'd managed to brush them aside. I just couldn't stand being with them for too long. Joey had finally gotten the courage up to asked Seto out and the happy couple was simply too much for me. I couldn't stop thinking about Yami when I saw them together. The truth was, I saw Yami everywhere. He was at school by the oak tree where he would wait for me after school, he was sitting in the corner booth at Sealy's, where we had lunch every Wednesday with Joey, Tea and Tristan and, worst of all, he was sitting on the edge of my bed, wearing the same smile he wore the last nigh we were together. I just couldn't stand it. No matter how badly I wanted to forget him, my heart wouldn't let me. The only time I got any relief was in sleep, and a good night's sleep was rare these days. On a good day, I cried myself to sleep around midnight. On a bad day, I was up all night.

_I wonder what it would be like to sleep forever,_ I thought, idly inspecting a carving knife. The thought was darkly appealing._ He was my life. I don't see why I keep trying to live without him._ I pressed the knife gently against my wrist, the cool metal pulsing lightly with the steady thump of my heart. _I can do this_, I realized. _Who would miss me? I'm not even myself anymore._ I slunk into my bathroom and turned on the water. I ran a hot bath and put some rose bath salts in it. The warm steam smelled like Yami, but the ache was just a dull roar now, not the stabbing wounds of this afternoon. I lifted the candles out from the cupboard under the sink. Candles I hadn't touched since he left. I arranged them in soft romantic patterns and lit them, letting their subtle perfume saturate the air as I slid into the tub.

_I must have a sick sense of humor to prepare for death like this, _I thought darkly, letting the heat of the bathwater soak through me, relaxing my sore body. Part of my hoped someone would find me lying here, the candles flickering and dimly casting their light over the blood stained water and my lifeless body. I wanted them to see my acceptance, my willingness to die. I wanted them to understand. I lifted the knife to my wrist, the shimmering silver hovering over the faint blue of my veins. I pressed down on a sharp diagonal. A muted gasp escaped me as the pain registered in my broken mind. The real pain broke though my mental anguish, but my mind was blissfully clear. I dragged my other wrist across the blade, letting a second wave of calm spread through me. I watched as my blood flowed into the water, my vision getting dimmer and dimmer. The water was turning a nice color, red like the color of Yami's eyes.

"I've been really worried about Yug," Joey said, brow creasing into a furrow. "He's locked himself away for the past 2 months and that's just unhealthy. I'm heading over to his place. Ain't nothin' better than a shoulder to cry on when you're in the dumps." Tea smiled.

"That's sweet of you, Joey," She said smiling. "You go on alone. I was invited out by Duke." She waved as she walked out of the arcade towards her date. Joey walked slowly towards Yugi's apartment. He hadn't left the place, even when he had no reason to stay. No one was really surprised at first, but 2 moths seemed a bit excessive. The real reason Joey was quite concerned for Yugi. He had lost a lot of weight and wasn't spending any time doing the things he loved. No card games, no arcade, no movies, nothing. It was breaking Joey's heart to see his friend so depressed. The walk wasn't long, and Joey was there before he knew it. He rang the doorbell, but no one answered. He called Yugi's cell, but he only got the voice box. Joey listened to the message sadly. The voice emanating from the phone sounded nothing like Yugi did now. It was too bright, too…_happy_. Then, unsure where Yugi could possibly be, Joey called the Kame Game Shop, thinking Yugi's grandfather might know where he was.

"Pops!" Joey greeted as Solomon picked up the phone. "Is Yug there?" The terse worried no made Joey flinch. _Where could he _be? he thought worriedly as he thanked Solomon and hung up. Joey walked up the stairs to Yugi's Apartment. He tested the door and was surprised that it was open. Joey let himself inside, calling Yugi's name.

"Yug?" He called. "Its me, Joey." HE saw the candles flickering in the bathroom and stuck his head in.

"Oh, there you…"His voice caught as he took in the whole scene. The bathwater was scarlet with blood, the gashes on his wrist puckered and white. Joey ran to the bathtub, staring at his diminutive friend laying there. Joey grabbed his phone, dialing 911, hoping beyond hope that he wasn't too late to save his closest friend.

Joey rocked back and forth in the chair he was sitting on. He had been waiting for what seemed like forever. When the paramedics arrived he had be shoved aside, but he had still seen the whole horrid thing unfold. He watched as they lifted his tiny limp body onto a stretcher, watched as they loosely stitched up the gaping wounds in his wrists, watched as they stuck an IV into his arm, he just watched. _Why did it _ever_ have to come to this?_ Joey thought sadly. _Why didn't we_ see_?_

"JOU!" Warm hands curled around Joey's shoulders. Seto stared down at his lover, concern radiating from him. "I'm so sorry you had to be the one to see that, love." Joey just grabbed him and pulled him close, the tears that had been threatening all night leaking onto the fresh-pressed shirt of his boyfriend. Tea and Tristan were huddled together in the corner, tea trying hard not to bawl. Joey, Tristan and Tea had been in the hospital for nearly 2 hours waiting for news, but Seto had just gotten there. Joey was glad he had come. It was hard forcing up a strong front when all he wanted to do was cry.

"You're here for news about Yugi Moto, am I right?" The nurse who came out was holding a clipboard and smiling slightly. "Well, it looks alright. We gave him 2 blood transfusions and he has stabilized. The doctors think he'll pull through. It's a good thing he was found though. Too much longer, and we wouldn't have been able to save him." Joey started shaking. This time, the tears streaming down his face were tears of happiness.

A/N: My pieces just get longer and longer. This is my longest yet! XD I hope the angst didn't cause anyone to cut themselves. Its very sad. But please do read "Forgiveness". That's the sequel to this. And please do leave reviews. They are like ramen and pocky. Once you've tried it, your hooked!


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